I don't hold stock in people anymore. Let me say it this way: I don't expect people to act any other way than that that they understand. I am slowly realizing that I, like many people, do not understand who I truly am. If I did, then I wouldn't want to be the guy in control or the guy that everyone looks up to. I wouldn't want to be someone that is well liked and admired or want the finer things in life. I'm slowly realizing that the finer things in life really don't matter; the finer things in life aren't really things. It sounds cliche, I know, but this is something that I haven't realized before. This is something I've always said, but never actually felt. I need to become the type of man that invests in people and stops looking at people for my praise and need for affection. I need to understand that I really am a shadow.

Veni, Sancti Spiritus.

I've heard many different phrases growing up.  Many different things that are supposed to help you with this or that.  I think they're beneficial when taken into context, but I have come to discover that, when faced with the situation head-on, it is a much different picture.

S and I have been talking recently (I'm even borrowing the whole only-use-a-letter-from-their-name thing from S) about different things that have been going on.  Things that are troubling, heartwarming, and even happy.  The way that we've been talking has made me analyze my own life to see if I am truly happy or displeased with myself.  It's kind of a strange scenario...  whether or not you have accomplished things that you had set out to do, whether or not you are the person that you feel you should be, and whether or not you know the differences between.

If someone were to ask me a few years ago where I would be right now, I would have told them "I will be graduating in [insert major here], getting married, and be successful."  Lately, I don't think that is what the real calling is.  The longing in my soul.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to be married and have the "settled" life, but I don't think it's about books or finances, intelligence or ignorance.  No, lately I think I may have stumbled across something even greater than what I had initially anticipated.  I think that my life is supposed to revolve around love.  Think about this:

When taken into context, love encompasses everything we do, say and think.  Everything we are and everything that we hope to be should revolve around love.  It is no longer a matter of what you do in terms of how you are measured, but how you affect other people and how you show love to the people around you.  The smallest things make the greatest differences.  S has no idea, but she has taught me so much more than I could have ever hoped.  There have been countless times in which I felt despair and didn't quite realize how I was going to make it through another day without going crazy.  For some reason, S knew exactly what to say and how to say it, to make me feel more like a fighter, more like a champion.  Sometimes it was cutting, sarcastic and cold.  But that's exactly what I needed.  I would also contend that G-d uses certain people in your life to strengthen you, build you, and make you an outpouring of love onto other people.  I believe that S has been that for me.  (If you're reading this, yes, I believe you were used by G-d.)

I guess all I'm really trying to say is, forget about the books.  Forget about making the extra money.  Is it really worth it in the end?  We have nothing if we have not love.  We lose everything and every bit of who we are if we don't love, and if we don't know how to be loved in return.  I think that instead of focusing so much on what we want out of life, we should focus on how lovely life is, and return that love to others.

But what do I know.  I'm only 21.